So I had some time between classes to try out some new moves…
I’ve been feeling my upper body get stronger and thought I’d try some flying poses- from handstand to forearm stand, to flying pigeon. Flying pigeon I haven’t tried in a while- but right now seemed a good time to try it. Why not?
So I lifted up on the right side and actually got my leg higher than I thought. Tried the left side and basically saw my life flash before my eyes- almost going head first into the mat. A quick extra grip and tightened muscles and I just caught myself before the fall.
I sat there for a moment, abruptly sitting back on my mat. I didn’t feel that immediate relief when you save yourself from falling. I felt disappointed.
I’ve always been told that your practice reflects things in your mind that you’re not quite conscious of yet. I’ve experienced some moments where I was in a pose and I would come to strange realizations. And here I am with my mat basically rolling its eyes at me waiting for me to explain what’s goin’ on in my crazy head.
Disappointment? I mean yea I couldn’t fully extend my leg and need to work on the pose. But that wasn’t it. I wasn’t angry at my body for not being able to do it. I was frustrated that my mind didn’t let me fall. But I guess it’s not so easy when the consequences of the fall aren’t so physical.
These feelings, thoughts, emotions are lingering in our bodies, waiting for an opportunity to come out. They sit at the corners of our hips, nestle in the middle of our brow, sink into the backs of our legs waiting for the perfect moment to confuse the hell out of us and get us to actually admit to our true feelings. (Cue eye roll towards mat. Ugh.)
Maybe I never truly fall? I almost fall. I almost go for it, I almost say how I feel, but I pull back right before I’m down. I mean how many times do we do that? Catch ourselves right before we want to say something. Stop right before it gets good. Is it 100% satisfaction that you feel after those moments?
Quite honestly, I don’t really have the answer. I know there are times when speaking our truth and being vulnerable is truly scary. I saw it in that split second on my mat that night. But as we reach a deep practice we also reach down to those feelings and thoughts that we are hiding (and possibly avoiding). We need to trust what our mat is trying to tell us so body can link with mind, and mind can link with heart. This chain reaction keeps growing until the leash is so long that nothing can hold you back.
Not even the fear of falling.